When my doctor told me I had to stay at the psychiatric hospital, I had to decide what to do about work. I was working full time at a kindergarten. Although the German health care system ensures you are paid for any work missed due to documented medical reasons, I wasn’t sure what to tell my employer. Should I be honest, and risk ridicule or a change in people’s perception of me, or should I lie and say I was home with the flu, and have no one be the wiser?
At this stage, I was worried about that sort of thing. I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak – I mean, after all, I was missing work for being ‘sad,’ wasn’t I? Of course there is much more to it than that – but depressives don’t always give themselves enough credit. And, let’s face it: unfortunately there is still a strong stigma, and not everyone is empathetic or understanding.
After much consideration, I ultimately decided to tell only one person at work the truth, and I told the rest I had bronchitis – that was believable because it happened to be going around the school at the time. Apart from one colleague, everyone at work was left in the dark. I preferred it that way. They didn’t need to know. My opinion on this matter – believe it or not – has not really changed.
So, along came that dreaded, long-awaited Monday morning. Nick and I woke up, I threw some clothes and basic essentials in a bag, and we set off. The hospital was only two subway stations away – I was about to be locked up a mere five minutes away from my comfort zone. Somehow, that made everything worse – so close to home, yet so far from normalcy. As we were sitting in the waiting room, organizing paperwork, I contemplated getting up and leaving – going back home to bed, pretending like nothing had happened.
We were sent upstairs, greeted by a nurse upon arrival. I immediately didn’t like the place. It was so cold and sterile. There was no life in that building. All doors were locked; a nurse and a key required for everything. I was shown to my bed and Nick and I said our goodbyes. I knew I was going to see him later that night – he had promised to visit me – but despite that knowledge, I felt lonely and abandoned when he left. Everything was so foreign to me (in every possible way) and the thought of facing it all alone was not a happy one.
I was introduced to Evie – one of my three roommates, who happened to be ten times crazier than I was. She was a very nice woman. I feel bad saying she’s a big part of why I felt so uncomfortable.
Just a reminder: I am Canadian, but I live in Germany. I do speak German, however it is not my native language and therefore not my language of comfort. Handling such a sensitive situation would have been difficult already, and I had given myself the added stress of facing it in a foreign language.
Soon after my arrival, one of the nurses came to sit down with me. She had a stack of papers, a whack of questionnaires to fill out together. We sat and spoke for about twenty minutes.
Why are you here? – My doctor insisted.
You’re not German, I see. Where are you from? – All the way from Canada to a German psych ward.
What sort of symptoms have you had? – What symptoms haven’t I had?
Are you suicidal? – Isn’t everyone?
(I was very cynical.)
I was told all about the daily routine: 7:00am wake up. Check the schedule upon waking up – if your name is on the list, go for blood work before breakfast. 8:00am breakfast. Medication rounds. Meetings with doctors/therapy sessions. Lunch at 11:30am. Medication rounds, where required. Visiting hours. Dinner at 5:00pm. Medication rounds, where required. More visiting hours. Quiet time after 8:00pm. 9:00pm: final medication round. Lights out at 10:00pm. Try to sleep through the noise of disturbed people all around you.
The schedule didn’t sound so bad (apart from the 7am wakeup, of course). I was happy to hear that I had lots of time for visits, and even happier to find out that I was allowed to leave the building during those hours. The nurse was sure to remind me that – at least until they got to know my patterns and behaviours – I would not be permitted to leave without supervision.
After the nurse told me all she set out to tell me, I found myself alone in my room, desperately wanting to go home. I knew there was a common room where I could entertain myself with board games, cards and fellow crazy people, but I wasn’t particularly interested in any of it.
As I was lying in my new bed crying, Evie came in and started talking my ear off. She spoke incredibly fast, and it was sometimes difficult to understand her. She’d ask me all kinds of questions, but she never gave me enough time to answer before she moved on to the next one. She was very friendly, and wanted to introduce me to everyone else in the ward. I didn’t want to make friends.
That hospital had been home to Evie for over six months by the time I met her, and she had no idea when she would be allowed to leave. Unlike me, Evie wasn’t there voluntarily. Even more unlike me, she was more than happy to stay.
My first meeting with the doctor was pretty uneventful. He asked me the same questions the nurse already had, and set up some appointments for the upcoming days – blood work, electrocardiography and an MRI. He also gave me a few questionnaires to fill out, to help with coming to a diagnosis.
In the afternoons and evenings, I was lucky enough to have friends come and visit me. I don’t think I spent a single afternoon alone. That helped keep me sane, but also reminded me of how much I knew I didn’t want to stay there anymore.
At the end of the day, I just felt like the hospital was not the place for me to get better. Being surrounded by so many people whose mental afflictions were much more severe than mine just reminded me of where I might end up one day. I didn’t like that constant reminder. For me, it was easier to imagine myself living a normal, happy life if I was surrounded by normal, happy people. I felt like the hospital brought me further into my illness instead of bringing me to a point where I believed I could combat it.
This is not the same for everyone, as I learned from Evie. She improved there. She actually got the help she needed there, because it was the best, most comfortable option for her, and she wanted it. She needed the stability. She needed to be woken up every day. She needed to meet with doctors. She needed to have her meals prepared and placed in front of her three times day. She needed routine created for her, because if left to her own devices, she’d never have it. I didn’t feel that was true for me.
I decided one week was enough. I was checking myself out. The doctors and nurses tried their best to convince me to stay. They reiterated again and again that constant observation and supervision was the best way to diagnose me. I agreed. However, I protested and stood my ground. I was leaving. I didn’t want to risk coming to a graver diagnosis, and I felt that was the only possible outcome if I stayed at the hospital. With reluctance, they wrote a synopsis of my stay and passed all necessary information onto my psychiatrist.
I left with a diagnosis of “suspected bipolar disorder, type 2”. Several months later, I finally made a follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist. Several months after that, I was diagnosed again. This time, with schizo-affective disorder. And thus began my “recovery.”
23, broke and happy 